She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
