you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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