Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
