If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
