remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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