do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
