my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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