At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
And then he peed in my hair
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
