I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
