apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
