you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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