Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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