I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
