it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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