It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
