i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
