I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
