imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
