Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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