There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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