That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
