at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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