i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
