is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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