my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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