my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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