Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
