My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
