are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
