Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
