I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
