Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
