I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
