Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
