Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
