Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
