This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
