wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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