My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
