I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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