My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
