I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
