i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
