My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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