Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
