Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
