Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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