i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My dick has a subreddit
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
