Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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