You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
