I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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