I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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