He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
